Jagger – then

 

The fire crackled, sparks drifted into the night sky, and one of the football players told a joke loud enough to make half the circle laugh. I forced a chuckle, but it wasn’t real. I didn’t even hear what he said. Hayes was doubled over, slapping his knee, while Callahan threw back the rest of his pop like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.

 

Luke wasn’t laughing. He’d been pissed at me for weeks. I couldn’t blame him. I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and he was the only one who knew about it.

​

He was standing across the fire from me, arms crossed, jaw tight, watching the flames instead of anything else. We were usually the ones with the snappy comebacks but the weight of his disappointment was heavier that the fallen tree Luke and I had hauled after the last storm, even after cutting it into sections.

 

I dragged my fingers through my hair, pretending that I was having a good time., though my stomach was tight as a drum. Well, I was in my way. But I’d been much more serious since Chloe had gotten back from her grandparents’ house a few weeks ago. I was starting to feel a little more like myself and trying to make up for the mistake that Chloe didn’t even know about.

 

As I scanned the party—which I did often because I’d make sure everyone stayed in line so Chloe didn’t have to deal with it—I did a double take at my beautiful girlfriend, her face tight and serious, stomping my way with her best friend Isla behind her.

 

Fuck. Someone was wrong.

 

I dropped my cup—water only. I hadn’t touched alcohol since that night. Never would again. Then I went to her. It only took two steps before she was there.

 

“Chloe?” I asked. When I went to touch her, she moved out of my reach, making me furrow my brows. “What’s wrong? Did something happen? Do I need to handle someone?”

 

“Isla. Go,” she told her best friend who listened, scurrying away almost like she couldn’t wait to have the distance between us. After a long pause, Chloe asked, “Did you have sex with Aurora Collins three weeks ago?”

 

My fucking heart stopped as acid churned in my stomach. The fire popped behind me, but all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. This was the very thing I didn’t want her to ever know. Fuck. I’d only ever wanted her. This shouldn’t have been happening.

 

As every part of me filled with regret, she let out a quiet gasp and I knew right then I was going to throw up at some point.

 

“You slept with Aurora Collins?” she asked quietly, her words watery and not sounding like herself.

 

I couldn’t lie to her. I mean, I could have but that would’ve made everything worse and deep down, I knew I couldn’t. I could’ve kept this from her for forever, but lie? No.

 

Slowly, I nodded my head twice right before a sob ripped from her throat and all I wanted was for her to let me touch her. She covered her mouth like she didn’t want anyone to hear her as my stomach turned and my heart thudded in my chest.

 

“Chloe—” I stepped forward, trying to convince her to let me explain. I didn’t even remember that fucking night. The night that was now ruining my life.

 

But she stepped away again and took a breath.

 

“Isla is going to take me home. Please make sure they don’t burn down my parents’ house.”

 

Then she turned and walked away from me.

 

She’d said that because she’d know I wouldn’t leave now. I wouldn’t leave these people to destroy her parents’ house if she asked me not to.

 

“Chloe.” Still, I hurried after her as she was clearly trying to get as far from me as she could. “Wait. Chloe, please, let me talk to you. Let me explain.”

 

She turned so quickly that I almost wasn’t able to stop. Her gray eyes shimmered with the tears she was trying to hold back.

 

“I’m not doing this here. I can’t,” she said sharply.

 

“Let me drive you,” I begged. “Please, let me explain.”

 

Slowly, she shook her head and backed away. She wasn’t going to let me explain, not that I blamed her.

 

I’d been the one to fuck up. This was all on me.

 

Once Chloe and Isla were gone, I went into the house to hide away in her bedroom for the night. Sure, once the party calmed down, I’d go outside and make sure everything was how we founded it, but all of these fuckers were getting an early wake up call because I had to go see her and them leaving was the only way to make that happen.

 

Since I didn’t sleep that night, it wasn’t hard to get them all up and going. No matter how much they bitched about it.

Hayes and Callahan had left. Luke had stayed but I didn’t tell him why I needed to get out of there. He was my best friend but he’d know soon enough.

 

Then I got myself to her house before going home. I had to see her. Try to make this right.

 

Though when I knocked on the door, there was a distinct possibility that she wasn’t going to answer.

 

Yet, she did.

 

She pulled the door open slowly. When I finally saw her, she was as exhausted as I was. Probably slept just as shitty, too. Her gray eyes weren’t warm. Her blonde hair was messy. Fuck.

​

What if this was the last time I got to see her this way?

​

Before I could get a word out, Chloe stepped out onto the covered porch and shut the door behind her. Her parents were home but Isla’s car was in the driveway. Isla was Chloe’s ride or die. She never would’ve left her alone after a night like that.

 

“Can I talk to you?” I took in her every feature in case I never got to see her again. “Please, Chloe.”

 

She swallowed hard but nodded then walked down the steps until she got to my car. I followed. She leaned back against it and waited. Her pajamas were cute as hell and she was barefoot. Probably hadn’t even been up that long.

 

As I watched her, she pulled the elastic out of her hair, releasing the bun and letting her blonde locks fall all around her.

Fuck. This was hard.

 

“Talk,” she snapped. “Why aren’t you at the lake house?”

 

Now, I swallowed hard. “I woke everyone up two hours ago and made them leave. Then Luke and I cleaned everything.”

I stood in front of her, as close as I dared. We’d stood like this so many times while I kissed her goodnight. Normally, I’d take her in my arms and hold her close but that wasn’t going to happen right now no matter how much my arms ached for her.

 

“I’m so fucking sorry, Chloe. I never wanted you to find out.”

 

She snorted but there was nothing funny about this situation. “I bet.” Quickly, she wiped a tear that streamed down her cheek. I hurt her. This was all my fault. A lump formed in my throat. “You’re not apologizing for doing it. You just didn’t want me to know about it. I guess you should’ve gotten her to pinky promise not to tell anyone.”

 

“Of course I’m sorry it happened,” I told her. “I should’ve said that first. It was an awful mistake that I just wanted to go away. I was drunk, Chloe—”

 

“Oh, so it’s the alcohol’s fault?”

 

I blew out a breath and ran a hand through my hair. “No. That’s not what I meant.” I was fucking this up. Nothing was coming out right.

 

“Did you talk to her? Last night? She was there. Did you tell her you were disappointed that she blabbed?”

 

Her words felt like a knife. Of course I didn’t talk to Aurora Collins last night. I hadn’t spoken to her since the night we slept together. Fuck. I’d barely spoken to her before that. “I don’t care about her.”

 

“Well, you should. If she hadn’t run her mouth, we wouldn’t be where we are right now. Oh, except I’d still be the laughingstock because people would know. I bet Luke knew.” Her jaw hardened as she looked up at me. “Did Luke know?”

He knew. He’d punched me when I told him but I didn’t want to get into that right now. “I don’t care about Luke right now.”

“Did. He. Know?”

 

“Yeah. He knew. He’s been mad at me ever since.”

 

“So I have been the laughingstock for a while.”

 

“No, you haven’t.” I stepped closer and raised my hand to cup her cheek but her glare hardened and I knew that if I touched her, I wasn’t getting my hand back. “Trust me. The only thing he’s thought about is how fucking stupid I was.”

 

“At least he and I agree.”

​

“I agree with the both of you,” I said quietly.

 

“So what happened, Jagger? Did you trip and fall into her vagina?”

 

I winced. Her words cut sharper than a blade, and I would’ve taken a punch to the ribs over that look in her eyes. “It was while you were gone. I was missing you. We’d played that party and were drinking after… It shouldn’t have happened.”

“I was gone a week Jagger,” she yelled loud enough for the neighbors to hear but I didn’t care about them right now either. “A week. If you couldn’t go a week without getting laid, how in the hell did you think you could handle us being apart when I went to college and you fucked off to wherever you were going to make your dreams come true?”

 

“It wasn’t like that, Chloe. You’ve been gone a week before. I can go a week without getting laid as you put it,” I snapped which made her move away from me.

 

“Yelling at me isn’t helping you, Jagger. You have no reason to yell at me. I have reason to yell at you.”

 

I swallowed hard and sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I so fucking pissed at myself.” I blew out a hard breath. She was slipping through my fingers as I stood there, unable to stop it from happening. “Just… I don’t have an excuse, Chloe. It was my mistake. I’m so fucking sorry for it. Please, what can I do? How can I make this better?”

 

“You can’t.” She broke out into a full cry, tears streaming down her cheeks as my heart broke. She hurried over to the steps with me right behind. Then I slid in front of her to stop her from going into the house.

 

“Chloe, please.”

 

Her knees gave out before she slid to the porch and laid her forehead on the wood, letting herself cry. Fuck, I wanted to do something—anything—to make her not hurt like this. I didn’t know what. There wasn’t anything. Logically I knew this but I’d take a thousand lashes if it made her feel even a little better.

 

She raised her head then I fell down in front of her, cupping her face so that I could wipe away some of the tears. “Please, Chloe. Tell me what to do.” My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t have cared less. This was Chloe and I was losing her. Fuck. I probably already lost her. “Tell me what to do.”

 

“There’s nothing you can do,” she whispered through tears.

 

Her words hit like a punch to the chest. And I had no one to blame but myself. “Please don’t say that, Chloe. Please. There has to be something.” I lowered my forehead to hers, savoring the touch. “Please. I love you so fucking much.”

When I pulled back to look into her sad gray eyes, she said, “I can never trust you, Jagger.”

 

I wanted to throw up as more tears ran down her cheeks. It was like she couldn’t stop them and neither could. I flinched at her words and wanted to say something. Was there something magical I could tell her? Would explaining that I don’t even remember that night help?

 

It probably wouldn’t.

 

This was awful. I hadn’t felt this devastated since my mom died.

 

Chloe was the most important thing in my world and deep down, I knew that this was where she left.

 

“I’d never be able to trust you again,” she said quietly.

​

Now, I couldn’t stop the tear that traced down my cheek. “I don’t want to lose you, Chloe. Please.”

 

It didn’t matter to me if it sounded like I was begging. I was begging. I’d beg every day of my life if it meant she’d be with me. I wasn’t just breaking her heart, I was breaking me along with it.

 

She sat back suddenly, which made my hands drop to my legs. Then she tried wiping the tears away. It didn’t work, they just kept falling.

 

“You didn’t lose me, Jagger. You had me. You so fucking had me and you threw me away for one night with someone else. Or hell, maybe it was the week.” She swallowed hard like the vomit was right there, ready to come out. I lost you. You made me lose you and I hate you for it.”

 

I dropped my head into my hands, nails digging into my scalp because I couldn’t stand the sound of her voice breaking.

 

She hated me.

​

She’d always hate me.

 

I would go down in history as the man who broke her. Which was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

​

“It wasn’t a week, Chloe.” Not that it mattered. “I just want you to know. It wasn’t the week. It was once. One stupid drunk mistake that I hate myself for.”  I sniffed and quickly wiped my eyes. “This is killing me.”

 

“Good,” she spat. “It’s killing me too but you did this. You’re the one that prioritized your dick over me. Over us.”

 

At this point, I wish she’d just hit me. A broken nose would’ve hurt less. It would’ve been easier to take than her words. As I sat there, she stood then went back into her house without another word.

 

And I knew then, sitting on her front porch, reeling for everything she said and what I’d done, that I’d never forgive myself either.